The Mad Things Girls do: Translated for Boys
by Sarcasma
Summary: This is it! Hermione Granger has written the guide that all boys should read! (with special commentary for the girls) Please read and review... oh and boys... maybe you can take a few things away from this!
1. Default Chapter

**_Introduction_**

_As a suggestion from a "good friend" of mine—who has a hard time figuring things out properly—I have begun writing this piece of non-fiction that should help straighten things out for all the clueless boys out there. _

_I, myself, have found it difficult to get through even the thinnest of thick skulls and can't imagine what it must be like for some of those unfortunate souls looking for affection from those bloody toe rags that can't see anything past their freckled noses. _

_So cheers, girls, and don't give up hope! With any luck, one of the nincompoops (preferably your own, I'm sure) might actually pick this up and realize there's some truth to it, though I'm sure many of them will find it bizarre. One tip I can give you is to slid this in with their other—limited—reading materials and allow it to catch their eye._

_This introduction will not show for the male population, due to a charm carefully placed. There may also be comments of the same nature, girls, and you will recognize those comments by the italics seen here. _

_Best of luck in your romantic endeavors girls!_

H.J.G. 

**Introduction**

As a suggestion from a good friend of mine, I have begun writing this piece of non-fiction that should help you boys out there finally understand the 'Mad things girls do', or more importantly, why they do them.

I have found myself on the end of being misunderstood, and finally must confess that girls do quite irrational things that perhaps need to be explained you all those of the male population.

If you've picked this book up, you're already on your way to understanding girls, and should find some success, should you actually follow the advice given here.

**Chapter one-** Appearances

Since looks are the first thing you notice in a person_—can I say big breasts? Shallow aren't they?—_I found it a sufficient place to start.

Every person you know or will know to start a relationship does so first and foremost based on physical attraction. This, of course, can not sustain anything long term, but it will be the first key to understand how to read what a girl is trying to say to you.

There are two types of girls in this category: the vain and the plain. In this chapter, we will explore each and allow you to have the ability to analyze the females in your daily life.

**The Vain**

_Sorry girls, attention grabber… get through the titles with me, and you'll see._

Vanity is something that is important to most girls on some level or another. 'The Vain' isn't a girl who does her hair or nails once in a while. If this is what you thought, you would be seeing every girl that passed in 'The Vain' section.

Instead of a general 'showers at least once a week' or even by look type, a girl under 'The Vain' description is a girl that is almost obsessive over her appearance. She might wear a different color nail polish every day, or have immaculate hair designs when you see her at Zonko's.

These are most often the girls that are out of everyone's league, but only by image. These girls like to be noticed, and get enough attention for it, but it doesn't mean that they really are the image of perfection. _We all know we're out of their league anyway._

Someone who could fall under this will lead you to believe that they've got a million suitors under their belt, and sometimes do, but you can't be intimidated by this. More often than not, these girls also like to be competed for. They enjoy the attention they receive when two boys realize that they're in feud over them. This is sometimes increased when the boys happen to be good friends. _Admit it… it's true!_ As crazy as this seems, to a girl, it shows how much you care for them when you're willing to put them ahead of their friends. It gives the female the impression that you really care that much for her. Even if she already has made a decision, it intrigues her to know how willing you (or in some cases your friend) is to be at her beckon call.

This girl isn't entirely bad, though. She will always look good for you. As a daily ritual, getting ready will take about an hour, but you will always know that you can look forward to the scent that she's discreetly placed on both wrists and on her neck or wonder how the twists in her hair could intertwine in that fashion.

You also don't have to try and interpret why she looks nice. You'll see about reasons 'The Plain' will dress up, even in a comparable fashion to 'The Vain', but if your eye candy is always ready for a Witch Weekly photo shoot, there is no need to worry about why.

_As a side note I would like to say that even though I don't count myself among you 'Vain', I admire the amount of time you're able to put into fashion. I would also like to add that we always like you better when you're down to earth and help those of us a little less 'look-skilled' with what we do._

_Since this is a book to help girls as well as the sensitivity-impaired, I would like to note that it is our responsibility as girls to make sure we don't confuse them too much. As someone who has two best guy friends, I would ask that you not set them against each other, as the only person (or people) who have to put up with them are their friends, which can be—and often are—girls. _

**The Plain**

This doesn't imply that the girl you're looking at is ugly or unattractive. In some cases, it might be quite the opposite.

A girl who counts herself among 'The Plain' is what most people would call 'low maintenance'. She may be extremely pretty or absolutely gorgeous for that matter, but decide not to use make up. _Can anyone say Veela?_ This does not mean that she doesn't care about how she looks. In fact, the majority of these girls are well groomed in a way that is efficient and constructive, but to 'The Plain' there are more important things than what their potions partner is wearing at school.

Even so, these girls still like to dress up every now and again. There are several reasons to why they dress up, and it's often important to know why they're doing so.

The most obvious times for these are for a party, dance, or any other social event in which many people will be there for the pure purpose of having fun. Most girls make a special effort to look especially nice on the first day of school, or—later in life—the first day of work or a day where something important is happening.

Girls will also look much nicer when their birthday or an anniversary of some time is coming up. One note: DO NOT ask her if it's her birthday if you suspect this. The following will be an example of how that conversation might go:

Her: Good morning.

You: Hey. You look nice. Is it your birthday?

Her: No… my birthday was six months ago.

You: Oh…

Her: What? I only look nice on my birthday?

You: No… I just meant—

Her: Why don't you remember my birthday anyway? I remember **your** birthday.

You can let your imaginations finish off that scenario. Even worse if it is her birthday and you don't remember.

If you do forget and aren't sure if that's why Miss Plain is dressed up one Thursday between Valentine's day and Easter break, find some stealthy way to figure it out; for the love of Merlin, don't ask her. _To all the girls out there: guys are still going to do it… even though I just warned them not to. They can't help it. I think it's some kind of brain wave that is developed, but I have yet to discover the actual reason they can't use their thoughts to find ways of getting our birth dates—or remembering them, for that matter—instead of inventing new methods of dunking one another's heads in the __loo._

When your Plain Jane dresses up for any of these occasions notice! Pay attention! Why does she look good? It's better when you can specify something and sound intellectual saying it. If you can't come up with your own, I will list some below.

That color looks nice on you.  
I like your hair up. (Or down) _Could you see a guy quoting that when you've curled your hair? The frightening thing is that I can name ten boys in which I see this happening.  
_That's a nice shirt.

Anything of this sort will give the girl the sort of attention she is seeking and show that you notice her.

Although you won't always have something new to look at with 'The Plain' girl, she won't pull on your heart strings, so long as you give her the attention she deserves. _You would think they'd learned this already. _All she requests is a bit of attention and the ability to be herself.

**Universal**

No matter which type of girl you seek, there are some simple guidelines to follow to keep on their good sides. _Because we can face it… no guy will ever be able to keep his foot entirely out of his mouth. _

First of all: never complain about how long it's taking a girl to get ready, especially since most guys won't date a girl that doesn't get dolled up at least on occasion. When a girl wants to feel pretty, she's going to take all the time she needs. Give it to her, or you'll end up paying doubly.

Don't make fun about a girl caring. When a girl says something about breaking a nail, don't go off on how ridiculous it is for her to be upset about it. Think about it from her perception: she's spent a month growing out her nails and trying to keep them nice, just to jam the nail against the breakfast table (which does hurt, by the way) and have to clip them all back, only to be thankful that this time it didn't break so far back that your finger started to bleed.

The last thing that needs to be said _again_ is pay attention. Say something when you see her hair is different. It will be of great help to you if you simply open your mouth to say something nice every so often.

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A/N: I thought this might be fun. There probably won't be a story, but if I do a sequel, it'll be the students' reactions to the piece… particularly Ron's reaction. Please Review and tell me what you think. 


	2. Friends hers

_Chapter 2- Friends that are just friends, even though that special someone can't grasp the concept_

Chapter 2- Friends 

There is a certain taboo when talking about anyone that takes up that special someone's time when it isn't you; particularly when it is someone of the same gender. There isn't much you can do about her choice in friends, but there are methods in which that this won't be an issue, should you handle yourself correctly. _Consider yourself lucky if any guy does this 'handling himself correctly' thing. It's a rarity among the male population._

There are certain things to consider when dealing with her friends of either gender.

**Girl friends**

Depending on the girl, you could have to deal with this. Every girl usually has at least one good girl friend to share her secrets with—ones she can't and won't share with you, so don't get it into your head that you can just replace whatever person or group of people this may include—gossip to, get advice from, and do girly things with.

Girls travel in packs, if they're the type to hang around girls often. If you need to see one in particular, ask to see her alone, or find a good time to catch her by herself. The ideal times are when she's already traveling. Talk tends to subside when girls walk or, at the very least, aren't as important of topics.

If you're lucky if you have a class with the girl you have your eye on, find a chance to catch her eye or send her a note. Body language can be your best friend in this case. The girl can catch the hint that you might want to see her, and she'll distance herself from her friends right after.

If you're dating a girl, keep in mind that her friends are very important and—just like you—she's not going to dump them just for because you start dating. If you want a chance, do not—I'll repeat this—do **not** insult her friends. This will not go over well and she will never truly get over it. The people you associate with reflect who you are as a person. Having a go at one of her friends is just as bad as having a go at her.

Overall, if you're unhappy with the girl's choice in company, you probably shouldn't be dating her.

There are circumstances in which friends change as you are dating. In such a case, allow her to explore the option of meeting and getting along with new people, but it would be a little less selfish for you to exert your opinions over the people she's around. Get to know the 'newbies' before judging whether they're going to cut into your own personal time. _Meaning the time they'd rather be nailing you. Make sure their intentions of whether your new friends are good for you aren't based on the opinion to whether or not snogging time is going to be cut into._

**Guy Friends**

It happens. Trust me. There are several girls in this world that don't take to the catty atmosphere a group of girls offer with such ease and would much rather spend their time with boys that they know.

Unless she states otherwise, this is all that they are: friends. _Not that they'll understand that. They see another person with testosterone running through their veins and they assume that they're as crazy about you as they are. As sweet as this sentiment is, the gestures that follow along are rather irksome. Try your best to convince those pursuers that you don't consider the other guys in that way. It might not work, but it's worth a try._

Never tell her that she's out of line with these relationships because it will only cause her to build upon them, more likely than not by telling her guy friend how possessive and untrusting you are. If they guy does have some kind of interest you're going to end up on the worst end of things.

It is unfair to pick a girl's guy friends the same way it's unfair for her to choose which girls you are and are not allowed to associate with. _Do unto others, girls, do unto others. _

The best way to deal with guy friends is to take an interest. Don't make snide comments under your breath every time they're brought up and don't tell the girl that their friends' real intentions are to start up a more romantic relationship. You can't see into other people's minds and if you can, you should just as well leave it be. Girls want to know they have your trust. It should be given, so long as there isn't any proof against giving it to them otherwise.

Instead of showing her that you don't like the situation, surprise her and keep an eye on it at the same time. "How's 'Joe' doing?" would be a good way to start it up. Ask about the guy's latest Quidditch games or if they've done anything together. If the girl has nothing to hide, she'll tell you.

As you go about the diplomatic work, be sure not to make a competition out of it. A girl will make it clear if she's expecting you and 'Joe' to start fighting for her, but until then, she wants someone who can listen and who cares. What better way than to ask her about her friends or other things she cares about? This shows initiative in your demeanor and that you actually pay attention to what's going on with her. Best of all, if it does turn into a contest, you've got one up on the sensitivity scale.

**Pen pals**

Girls like to have contact with people from all overThere are rare cases in which a male will take pen to paper and start talking to someone they hardly know or have never met, for that matter. It's not an issue of one gender being better than the other, _yeah right_, but you need to have an understanding that your girlfriend or interest will probably take a liking to other methods of communicating.

If you do enjoy a quick paper banter, write little notes to her in class. Don't just leave her listening to the latest lecture in history or she'll find someone else to communicate with. Of course, don't just decide to write notes to any girl. There will be some obvious cases in which writing notes is more important than talking with anyone… least of all you.

All the rules that apply to girl friends and guy friends also go for pen pals. Avoid jealousy if she spends a bit of time keeping in touch, whether it be with a male or female. Take interest in these friends. Ask about what she's learning from her friend in Bulgaria or France. You never know, you may learn something.

One advantage to this that many people look over is travel. If you pay attention and at least feign interest in the people she writes to, you have an excuse to go with her to a foreign country (possibly alone) to see all the things you've both learned from her pen pal. If not… she could end up there alone with her host (possibly a male) to guide her. _Have fun either way girls. No use in moping over Mr. Doesn't-pay-attention._

I wouldn't suggest ever telling her what to do, how to feel, or who she can/can't socialize with. The latter is, in my opinion, the gravest of mistakes you could make concerning trying to make a relationship work. More likely than not, she'll do quite the opposite of what you hoped and stop talking to you instead of the one far away, yet interesting.

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A/N: Hmmmm… need to come up with more topics… So funny story:

I decided to see if I could get this story onto (an archive for Ron Hermione fanfics) and after two weeks, I received an e-mail that said, and I quote:

"The premise itself seems implausible. Hermione has shown no real interest in writing something like this, and it doesn't seem very in character for her to do so."

Ticked me off, really, as Checkmated has become a bunch of fanfic snobs that hasn't accepted anything I've tried submitting for the last 6 months. Fine by me, but at least give a good reason… if someone can tell me how this isn't plausible (at least plausible by fanfiction standards) feel free to tell me.

Anyway… review :D Thanks to all those who have been reviewing so far as well! Oh… and sorry for those of you who didn't realize: this is gonna be several chapters. I think I've talked a good friend of mine into writing the companion piece at about the same time that I'm putting these out. I'll let you know if anything develops with that.

Thanks:

Nscangal: lol thanks for the suggestions! They'll be archived in my memory until further chapters. If you have more vague ideas of things that guys need to know, please let me know. I tend to like having vague ideas to start with, otherwise I have trouble going on it. Thanks again for the review!

Aracalien: Thanks a lot! I appriciate your comments, and I can't wait to see Ron's reaction either (especially if my friend writes it as it could end up a bit different… no worries, she writes Ron very funny.) Even better….31 days until HPHBP!

Katkit: Thanks… I'm glad you're liking it.

Secretly: lol yes… boys are rather silly when it comes to this sort of thing. I've only had one guy read it so far, and my guess is that they'll all admit to it, if they do read it. Thanks for the review. I'm glad you're enjoying it.

CountessMel: it'll be awhile before the 'sequel'/companion piece, but it'll hopefully come. Until then, I hope all you gals reading it get a kick out of Hermione's advice.

Notyouraverageblond: lol once I'm done with this one, there will be something about it elsewhere. I hope you like this chapter.

Silver Mayflower: lol I'm pretty certain most girls on this site would be considered of the 'Plain' variety… not sure how many are actually included in the 'Vain' category, but I have met a few of them around.

FlareofDragon: You weren't supposed to read what was in italics! It's enchanted! Lol jk… and I know all guys aren't that big on breasts, but I thought it'd be a nice little side comment. Hence it's tone carrying a bit of bitterness. Hopefully you're not too offended by the things said concerning you boys… but it's pretty much true. I'll also admit, though, that girls are an interesting creature in this universe. Strange, really…

Bella: Your wish is my command… (not really… I just happened to have some more time and a thought on what to write about.) Thanks for the review! Reviews always help to make my day.

Ash Vault Rose garden: I actually thought so too :D I think that guys could really learn from a girl's advice, seeing as I am a girl and this is how I (and many others) view the world of dating and whatnot. Sancontoa: lol me too… m'dear… me too… anyone special? **raises eyebrows**

Milky way bar: Done! Lol hope you enjoy!

Shading in grey: I think I'm a plain too… in fact I know I am… I think there are a lot of guys that need to read what girls have to say about them, actually.

Flairverona: lol not sure if she's gonna add the kissing, but he's going to have some sort of reaction to it, I'm sure.

Salazara: Still more to come deary… still more to come ;) I hope you like the advice in this chapter as much as you did in the first.

Auror Dora: lol the only problem is this is all from personal experience/observation…. So there's no real psychological basis to it. I'm sure some sociologist out there as written something to this extent. Perhaps a little something called 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus'? Lol not quite the same, but that's why this is fun!

So Desperately Obvious: lol Ronny? I think Rons just probably have trouble with this sort of thing then? Lol how funny. Is he completely hopeless too?

Howlingwolfthedenkeeper: Awwww thanks! I like hearing that after being told she would never write something like this (basically). Too much detail might bore people, I'm afraid… especially if I write it… it could end up redundant. Besides that, I'm definitely no expert on this ;) Thanks for the suggestions, though, I'll keep them in mind as I write future chapters.

Illyria-light: Thanks a lot. If I don't write Ron's reaction, it'll be in great hands. I'll also inform ya'll when that's up :D

Signature F: lol in college? Maybe? Don't neglect studies for any of my stories, though.. soooo not worth it hehehe. Or do you mean for a certain someone? Hmmmmm **wiggles eyebrows**

Dancerrdw: Thanks!

Demonik: lol that would be nice J Just tell them to review as well ;)


	3. Asking her out

**Chapter 3- Asking her out**

Here's where it all begins… knowing how to ask a girl out. _And knowing how to accept or reject kindly._ There aren't many tricks or strategies that will assist you in this endeavor, but a few simple guidelines will help to ease this potentially treacherous experience.

First remember to ask the girl you want to out before someone else does. There is no use in holding it off and hoping and praying that no one else snatches up the girl that you would rather like to go to the dance with, or that you would prefer to be around as you go on a day-long outing. Just like homework, sitting there and watching won't help you to get a date. You have to do something to get something. It's a basic principle in life that, when mastered, will bring much less unnecessary stress.

The next guideline is to know who you're asking. There is much less of a chance that a girl is going to say 'yes' to a tall gangly person she doesn't know anything about, than with a friend or even acquaintance that has possibilities. It would be much like walking up to some other guy and haphazardly asking "would you be my best friend?" It just doesn't work that way. The best relationships, overall, start out as friendships. Find things to talk about. You might start up a conversation about the classes you're taking—which is even easier when you're in the classes together. Ask her to borrow something instead of asking the guy behind you who you already know. Get yourself out on a limb and try. There is great chance of success while using this method. _I had to give them some hope. Make sure you encourage them as well… they do need all the help they can get. _

I will repeat one more time, just to make sure we have the attention of all: do **not** walk up to some pretty girl you've had your eyes glued to _even if for all they know she doesn't have a single brain cell under the pounds of Sleekeazy's Hair Potion products _and just give it a shot in the dark. You put her in a very awkward position and, even if she would have liked to gone with you, often times you will find yourself dateless and alone. Following we will evaluate the different levels of interest that girls will have.

"**I like you too"**

This is the ideal for anyone: "I like you, you like me. Let's get together sometime and have a cup of tea." This keeps from having too many of those 'what are we doing here' moments in the long run and you avoid a lot of the sifting process. _A small tangent I would like to go off on with just the girls for a moment. Sifting is important, I have found, to many men. Some know what they want and go for it, but I've found that for the most part, they need a trophy to find themselves worthy of the one they really wanted to ask out in the first place. Be patient, as hard as it seems. If they really do like you it might come back to you in the long run. You never know… at least I don't. Be prepared for the best and the worst._

Be honest and open and remember that not every girl is going to feel about you the way that you feel about her. Bow out when necessary, but stick around long enough to see. Be a friend. Someone she can talk to. Don't try and destroy her other relationships (as mentioned in the previous chapter), but be understanding and it might pay off.

"**Let's just be friends"**

There will be some scenarios, though few and far between, that friendship will actually work after certain boundaries have been crossed. This can often be an awkward transition to make, but if it's worth it to you, try for it _and I'd like to add that they don't make it any easier with their inability to read between some lines, but that's life. Try the friend thing if all else fails. _Be willing to stay on that level and not push it. The greatest rate of success in this area is when there is a whole group of friends involved, and not just the two of you. Don't make it harder on the group, though, by fighting and making others pick sides. If it just isn't working after you admit you like her, or after you date, make some space and separate yourself from the situation until you can either be friends again or you know that you're both on the same page, where ever that may be.

"**Get away you creep" "_Don't talk to me, don't sit with me, don't stalk me"_**

If you end up in this category, you may be coming on a little strong. It's best to back down and take a graceful leave of absence. Whether you like it or not, girls talk and changes are you will gain a reputation that you would rather not have in trying to find other girls. _These reputations are true about 85 of the time depending on your local gossip._ So she's not interested… that's okay. The one who will say yes might be just around the corner, so just accept it and walk away.

There is definitely a delicate balance of whether to stick it out or to take your cue, but you will usually be able to get your signals in some slight but definite ways.

Many girls will downright avoid you. This is almost idiot proof to know that it isn't going to work now, and probably not ever. Move on. Some are less obvious, such as questions concerning you being away without the slightest bit of disappointment. Another method is talking about other guys or asking you about other girls. Overall, if your conversations are short, awkward, and focused around the two of you **not** being together, then the dream has died—just don't make it a slow and painful one. _The more obvious the better._ _Some of them are fairly dense.

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A/N: So after a year and a half, I'm back and ready to write… sort of. It's weird going into a lot of this after the way book 6 ended, but I have kicked around some ideas and will be trying to write one or two before book 7. I hope you enjoy this! Especially since it's been so long (I hope some of you remember what it is!)


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